Weekend At Sephiroth's
by unseenshadow
Summary: A Weekend of Chaos, Mayhem, and Evilness Takes Place.


DISCLAIMER: This writer does not own Final Fantasy 7 (well, he does but  
he doesn't) and the views expressed in this story are only of his twisted   
sense of humor.  
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Weekend At Sephiroth's  
by Unseen Shadow  
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Sephiroth finished mailing the last of the invitations. He had  
just totally redecorated his home at the Northern Crater (feeling that various   
severed body parts of alien species was really just out for this year) and he had invited the members of AVALANCHE to a housewarming party.   
  
Well...maybe invited wasn't the right word. If he hadn't invited them, they  
would just have crashed there anyway.   
  
Sephiroth sighed.  
  
As he walked back to his house, he had the oddest feeling that he  
had forgotten something. He racked his brain, but couldn't think of what it could be. Shaking his head, he sat down to watch some t.v. Suddenly, the  
phone rang.  
  
"Hey Sephiroth, it's me Rufus, league night is still on right?"  
  
"League. . .OH SHIT!" Sephiroth remember that he had promised to let the Shinra people use his bowling alley that night. "Uhhh. . yeah. . .just come early, okay? And you guys can stay later tonight too. . ."  
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Later that day. . .  
  
Tifa and Cloud walked up to the mansion. "Five foot high steps...four foot doorbell. . what IS it with Sephiroth and his over-sized stuff?"  
  
"Well, you know what they say about guys compensating for...ahem...what they lack. . ." Cloud replied.  
  
Tifa arched an eyebrow. "And how would YOU know this?"  
  
"Well, we were in the army together you know, you learn things about people..." Cloud trailed off.  
  
"Oh REALLY now."  
  
"What...OH NOT LIKE THAT! Tifa! Come on, you know me better than that, I just meant..."  
  
"Cloud..."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Just forget it."  
  
"All right."  
  
"HEY GUYS!"  
  
Tifa and Cloud both jumped a foot in the air and landed with weapons ready.  
  
"DAMMIT CID! Don't DO that!"  
  
"You guys are just too damn jumpy." Cid smiled.  
  
"Where the hell did you come from, anyway?" Cloud asked.  
  
"Oh, just ring the damn doorbell, someone!" Tifa yelled.  
  
Cloud meekly obeyed.  
  
"...you're whipped..." Cid said under his breath.  
  
"What was that?" Tifa glared at Cid.  
  
"Uhhh...ahem...nothing?"  
  
Fortunately, at that moment, Sephiroth opened the door. "Hey guys! Cid! Did you bring my makkkkkkk. . .mako gun?"  
  
"Shut up!" Cid hissed, then said, "Yes, I did bring it.I hope you like pink..."  
  
"Shhh!And yes, I DO like that song."  
  
Tifa and Cloud looked at each other, shrugged, and followed Cid and Sephiroth inside. Tifa just shook her head as Cid attempted to inconspicuously past what looked suspiciously like a cosmetic case to   
Sephiroth.   
  
"Umm...Sephiroth...where's your bathroom? I need to freshen up."  
  
"Huh? Oh. It's down that hall, third door on your right."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Once in the bathroom, Tifa began to snoop through the various articles.   
  
"Let's see...seven foot bottle of hairspray...four foot tall toilet...six foot tall sink...eight foot long shower brush...blow up Aeris  
doll...BLOWUP AERIS DOLL??!!"  
  
Cloud, who at that moment had just happened to be passing by, looked in.   
  
"HEY! I told him I wanted that for this weekend, that crrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...uhh...I mean...ummm...uhh...what is THAT doing here?? That's   
disgusting!"  
  
"LIMIT BREAK!!"  
  
"NO! HELP! TIFA! STOP! AUGH! OOF! OW!! SOMEONE HELP ME!! PLEASE!!"  
  
Barret looked up from the football game on the tv. "Someone hear somthin'?"  
  
Yuffie, Cait Sith, and Nanaki all shook their heads.  
  
"Oh. Whatever." He went back to watching the game.  
  
Just then Vincent ran in, wearing nothing but a towel.  
  
"Dammit Sephiroth, your hot tub isn't working again."  
  
"It isn't MY fault that Nanaki clogs it up with his hair! Besides, don't you have hot water at the mansion?"  
  
"Fine!I know when I'm not wanted! My precious skin can take the mansion's hard water!!" Vincent huffed.  
  
"Aww...poor vampy pussy boy upset?" Cid snickered.  
  
"I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!" Vincent yelled.  
  
Before the argument could continue further, Barett, while reaching  
for a chip, accidentally snagged Vincent's towel, causing it to fall to the ground. Cid immediately burst into laughter.  
  
"You didn't tell me Shinra modified THAT!"  
  
"At least I have 'em, you nutless wonder!"  
  
"Nuts?I love nuts! Are they salted?" Sephiroth said, bouncing into the room.  
  
Cid couldn't resist. "They are now. . "  
  
"DIE!!!" Vincent grabbed his towel and chased Cid down the hall, pointing his finger and making little "BANG!" noises.  
  
"Those guys are nuts. . ." Barett said, pausing from petting Nanaki.  
  
"Keep scratching!"  
  
"Okay, but only if you quit thumping!"  
  
Suddenly Vincent, who found his clothes, ran back through the room.  
  
"HE'S GOT THE MOP!!! HE'S GONE TOTALLY INSANE!!"  
  
Cid leapt into the room, brandishing his mop. "I AM THE MOPMAN OF DOOM! BOW BEFORE ME OR ALL YOU GUTLESS BASTARDS WILL DIE!!"  
  
"Shut up, foo', you blockin' the tv!" Barett yelled.  
  
Cid laughed maniacally and continued to chase Vincent through Sephiroth's house. Yuffie shook her head.  
  
"What is UP with those two anyway?" she said.  
  
"Keep scratching!" Nanaki yelled.  
  
"Okay, but only if you keep thumping. . ."  
  
At that same time, Vincent was still running for his life from Cid and his deadly mop. By now both were TOTALLY lost in the maze of Sephiroth's   
house. Worried that they would become lost for good, the others decided to go looking for them.  
  
"Don't worry Nanaki, I promise we will continue this later," Yuffie promised.  
  
"Now where did that spiky-haired sissy and his chick wander off to?" Barett said.  
  
Just then Tifa came strutting in, dusting herself off."Now THAT felt good," she said.  
  
"And where is Cloud?" Nanaki asked.  
  
"HHHHEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cloud shouted from down the hall.  
  
Barett, Cait Sith, Nanaki, Yuffie, and Sephiroth ran down the hall  
toward the sound.   
  
Tifa calmly brought up the rear bragging. "He should know better than to get ME mad at him. He just never learns anything does he?"  
  
They all entered Sephiroth's bedroom and found the room a wreak.   
  
Smashed furniture, overturned bed, and Cloud stuck into the wall by his hair spikes.  
  
"What the hell happened here?" Sephiroth asked.   
  
Cloud told him, "I told you can't use her again. those spikes of yours nearly killed her the  
last time."  
  
"LAST TIME!?" Tifa screamed and sank into the corner to pout.  
  
"Leopard print sheets, isn't that a little exotic?" Cait Sith asked.  
  
Yuffie reached into the dresser and held up an odd looking metal and leather object. "Hey Sephy, what's this for?" she asked.  
  
Sephiroth, with a panicked look on his face grabbed the object from Yuffie, put it back into the dresser and locked it. "Nothing," he said. "You never saw that, got it?"  
  
Just then they heard a muffled sound from the closet. Tifa opened it and they found Cid among a pile of dresses, high heeled shoes, and leather paraphernalia.  
  
"What the hell is this?" Barett asked.  
  
"VINCENT FOUND A GODDAMN SQUIRT GUN!" Cid yelled. "EVERYONE RUN, HIDE BEFORE THE CREEPY LITTLE SHIT FINDS US!"  
  
"Too late." they heard from the doorway.  
  
Everyone scattered, making their own doors.   
  
"At least give me a fair chance," Cloud begged. "Come on, let me out."  
  
Vincent pulled Cloud from the wall and Cloud groveled for his life.  
  
"Will you give me a head start?" he asked.  
  
"Goddammit you wimp, it's just water!" Barett called.  
  
"Yeah, so. My hair would melt and I'd drown in hair gel!" Cloud answered.  
  
"It would take forever to chip him out too," Tifa remarked.  
  
"Okay, you get five seconds," Vincent said generously.  
  
Everyone ran again and Vincent covered his eyes and counted,   
  
"One....Two....Five! Haha, here I come!"  
  
He chased them all until they were cornered into Sephiroth's sparring room. Desperate to find a way out, Cloud began searching the walls hoping  
for a secret passage.His search was not in vain.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing?" Sephiroth asked. "Cloud, stop it, hey knock it off, there are no secret passages here!"  
  
Cloud found a loose sconce and the room began to sink.  
  
"No secret passages here, huh?" Cait Sith taunted.  
  
The room descended for several yards until they found themselves in another large room. Sephiroth had a hidden bowling alley and bar down there.  
  
"Now we're talkin' about a party," Cid said. "Hey wait, there's people down here already. SHINRA!!! Let's kill the bastards everyone!"  
  
"Hey, do you mind? We are trying to bowl here. It's our league  
night," Rufus shouted.  
  
"Guys, I'm begging you, don't fight down here.Especially down here," Sephiroth pleaded.  
  
"Relax, we just want to bowl a little too," Cait Sith said.  
  
"All right. . you can use the other lanes. Just please, please don't break anything." Sephiroth subsided, moving to his own private lane.  
  
"Whatever." The Avalanche people moved off, splitting into two teams. Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, and Caith Sith were on one team. Tifa, Barett; Cloud, and Nanaki were on the other. For awhile, things quieted down.   
  
Everyone was bowling calmly.  
  
"He WOULD have custom bowling ball painted like the planet," Tifa said, pointing to Sephiroth and shaking her head.  
  
"Hey, Nanaki, it's your turn!" Cloud said.  
  
Nanaki looked at the ball. Looked at Cloud. Looked back at the ball.   
  
"Oh, that's VERY funny. You're just a riot."  
  
"What?" Cloud looked confused.  
  
Nanaki shook his head, while Tifa suggested, "Why don't you use your limit break? You know, Sled Fang!"  
  
Nanaki looked doubtful. "Well. . I guess it COULD work. . .."He nerved himself up and took flying dive at the ball, hitting it headfirst.  
  
"ALL RIGHT! STRIKE! Good job Nanaki!" Tifa cheered, jumping up and down.  
  
"Yeah, impressive..." Cloud said, his eyes never leaving Tifa's chest.  
  
"Uhh...wha?...no Grandfather, I don't wanna go on that ride again. . ."Nanaki collapsed in the corner.  
  
Things proceeded in a similar matter until Vincent discovered the bar.   
  
After quite a bit of indulgence, he soon was staggering around the room.  
  
"Vincent! Come on, it's your turn!" Cid yelled.  
  
"Yeah...yeah...kay...coming."Vincent bent over to pick up a ball and fiddled around a bit. When he straightened up, he had two bowling balls shoved down his shirt.   
  
"HEY!LOOK AT ME!! I'M TIFA!!" He began bouncing up and down. Cid was sitting on the floor holding his sides, and Cloud  
was doing his best not to laugh. Tifa's eyes began to glow red.  
  
"LIM--"  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth jumped in, standing between Vincent and Tifa.   
  
"Tifa, I'm down on my knees--"  
  
"That's where he spends most of his time, I'm told," Cid whispered to Vincent.  
  
"DON'T fight here. I will tell you every little dirty secret I know about Cloud, just PLEASE don't break anything."  
  
Tifa's wrath began to fade. "You SWEAR? EVERYTHING?"  
  
"Every last little sordid detail."  
  
"All right then."  
  
"HEY!"Cloud interrupted. "That's not fair!"  
  
"Oh shut up Cloud, stop whining."  
  
Cloud sat back, pouting. The game continued. Vincent's turn rolled around again. "Ha ha...seven ten split!" Tifa laughed.  
  
Vincent looked at the remaining pins. "Oh screw it." Whipping out his gun, he shot both pins. "I don't know Tifa, looks more like a strike to me!"  
  
"HEY!!! I said DON'T BREAK ANYTHING!" Sephiroth screamed.  
  
"Fine...fine...I know when I'M not wanted..." Vincent staggered over and collapsed in a corner next to Rude and Reno. The three of them proceeded to drink themselves into oblivion for the rest of the evening.  
  
Things got quiet again. People bowled normally. With the exception of Cid, that is.   
  
"Hey Sephiroth, you don't mind if I smoke down here do you?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, I do mind. I just had a new sprinkler system put in and it would pick up your smoke."  
  
The games continued and as time wore on, Cid became more and more fidgety. Before long he was rocking back and forth in his chair saying, "Must have nicotine," over and over. Then he ran into the bathroom. He was in there  
for about five minutes when Cait Sith began pounding on the door.   
  
"Hey Cid, you done yet? Hurry up it's your turn."  
  
Cid emerged from the bathroom dripping wet.   
  
"See I told you, no smoking," Sephiroth taunted.  
  
Things resumed in a normal fashion until Cloud, who had been doing a bizarre little victory dance after getting his first strike of the night,   
tripped and fell into Shinra territory.  
  
"Hey idiot, stay on your own side!" Rufus yelled.  
  
"Gya ha ha, teach him a lesson Rufus," Hieldigger snickered.  
  
"Kya ha ha, You'll pay for interfering with our game," Scarlet giggled.  
  
Reeve stood in the back, "Just because Sephiroth is in the bathroom doesn't mean we can fight. Let's just let bygones be bygones," he said.  
  
"Shut-up traitor!" Elena screamed, and slapped Reeve.  
  
Cait Sith hopped over to Elena. "That was uncalled for," he said in his controller's defense.  
  
"What you want a piece of this robot?" Rufus asked. "Then you can have some."  
  
The rest of AVALANCHE ran over to Cait Sith's aid and a huge fight  
broke out.  
  
Reno, Rude, and Vincent sat on their bench and discussed the fight.  
  
"Where did you all learn your Limit Breaks? They could really be  
useful in a fight." Reno observed.  
  
"Well, I don't know about the rest of them, but Hojo programmed them into me," Vincent replied.  
  
"Speaking of Hojo, where is he?" Rude wondered.  
  
Just then Sephiroth came running out of the bathroom. "What the hell is going on? What did I say to you all?No fighting! Hey! Knock it the   
hell off before I start breaking heads!!" he screamed. Hojo came walking out of the bathroom shortly after Sephiroth with a dazed look on his face.  
  
Reno, Rude, and Vincent looked at Hojo, then at Sephiroth, then back at Hojo and busted out laughing.  
  
"Ah man! Could you think of anything worse than THAT?" Reno howled.  
  
"That's just not right. Aren't they father and son?" Rude asked.  
  
Sephiroth turned green, looked over at Hojo and Hojo just nodded.   
  
"OHMYGODIAMGOINGTOBESOSICKWHYDIDN'TYOUTELLME!!!!" Sephiroth screamed in a high-pitched voice that broke the nearest light bulbs. "Dammit, now I'm pissed! Everyone OUT!" Sephiroth screamed, and jumped into the fray.  
  
A huge struggle ensued and Reno, Rude, and Vincent just sat on their bench and laughed. The fight continued for several minutes, then suddenly a stray Limit Break struck the laughing trio. Reno's and Vincent's drinks   
were spilled and Rude's sunglasses were knocked off. The room suddenly got quiet, so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Instead, you heard Yuffie say   
under her breath, "Oh my god, he DOES have eyes." The laughing, drunk trio were not laughing anymore. They flew off their bench and began to kick   
some major ass.  
  
"LIMIT BREAK!"Vincent yelled, his eyes glowing red as he morphed into Chaos.  
  
"Did you ever notice how Chaos always poses like he's doing a GQ spread?" Tifa commented to Cloud.  
  
"Hey, listen, Hojo programmed him in, what do you expect."  
  
By this time both parties had stopped fighting each other and banded together to fend off the onslaught from Reno, Rude, and Vincent. Well,   
everyone except for Cid. He seemed preoccupied by staring at Chaos and drooling. If anyone noticed, they didn't ask. . .which is just as well,   
cause they probably didn't want to know anyway.  
  
In the meantime, Rude was beating up Cloud while simultaneously flirting with Tifa. Reno began running around zapping people with his electromag   
rod...which was fine until he accidentally set Sephiroth's hair on fire. That led to the sprinkler system going off. Cid took advantage of this   
situation by holing up under a table to smoke a few cigarettes...or a few pack's worth.  
  
"Damn, I didn't think a person could fit that many cigarettes in his mouth!" Rufus said.  
  
"He's had lots of practice," Vincent (who had morphed back into his original form by now, as if it wasn't obvious) replied.  
  
"DIE EVIL BASTARDS! MY REC ROOM IS A MESS! YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Sephiroth's eyes began glowing dangerously. Everyone backed away   
cautiously, looking for the quickest exit. The soggy, smoldering Sephiroth advanced, waving Masamune menacingly.  
  
"SEPHIROTH!"  
  
"Yes Mommy?"  
  
"Jenova?? I thought we killed her!" Cloud yelled.  
  
"Yeah.Just like we killed Sephiroth, Tseng, and most of the other Shinra employees. It's just a fic, Cloud, you should really just relax."  
  
"Oh. Yeah."  
  
"SEPHIROTH! I thought I told you ,no parties in the house!"  
  
"But Mommy!!"  
  
"NO! No buts! Come here!"  
  
Jenova left, dragging Sephiroth off by his ear. Everyone else looked at each other in relief.  
  
"So, how about a real match? Shinra vs. Avalanche?" Reno suggested.  
  
"Maybe in chapter two," Cloud said.  
  



End file.
